Thursday, April 20, 2017

Falling x Failing

Its just a few fays after the impact.

Im still numb, trying to figure out what to do.

But the result was clear enough for me. I failed. What should I do after failing multiple times in the same shit hole?

Maybe life was way too sweet and easy for me hence the event was inevitable. It was like a friendly reminder to be more cautious, be more careful and be more mature in handling problems.

I am still trying to pull myself together. If Im gone all of a sudden, you should know why and by whom. I think it is a good idea to end this misery. We shall see how it goes.

Thursday, March 9, 2017


Stumbled upon someones's facebook and it kinda led to other stuff.

Gw lagi di kantor dan teman gw mendekati gw. Terus gw tiba-tiba nyeletuk,

"_________! Laki-laki _____________!!!!"

Temen gw keheranan dan cuma merespon, "Apaan dah lu, Ci?"

Huft. Tapi intinya "Gotcha". Sudah diarsipkan dengan baik. Lalu gw berpikir sama diskusi rapat kemarin (Bagian ghibahnya ya, bukan inti rapatnya). Dengan gw melakukan hal ini (ngecek-ngecek dan sok investigasi kayak Conan) mungkin gw belum move on. Ga peduli seberapapun usaha gw untuk DENIAL ("Ngga kok, udah move on. Udah gak kepikiran lagi. Huft. Hahaha. Ha. Ha. Ha")

Kayaknya emang masih ada yang ganjel di gw. Gak usah ngarep untuk berelasi kalau diri gw sendiri aja masih "gitu gitu aja".

Mungkin gw merasa diri gw berlari dengan bebas, tapi sebebas-bebasnya gw melangkah, gw masih membawa beban yang tanpa gw sadari mulai memperlambat gw.

Gw sudah terbiasa me-repress hal-hal yang membuat gw sakit sampai gw pun lupa akan kejadian yang membuat gw sakit. I feel like Im a gigantic ball of screw up~


Tuesday, March 7, 2017

EnabledLove off

This photo is a random pick. Just because.

I kinda felt numb emotionally since 2013. My last excitement probably was in 2013 then i didnt feel anything. I think I reached "I totally wont give a fuck"around 2015. I caught up in the middle of few projects. Simply to run away from feeling my feelings.

Then I got slapped by reality yesterday. I was not sure how to react but I kept thinking about it. What should I seek in order to become the "right" me? Is it Vengeance? Or Forgiveness, perhaps?

Im shutting myself down. Becoming more and more introvert although I can pretend I am Vivacious as fuck. I know this is not right but sometimes I dont have the time to do self pity session on myself. And seeking help from expert didnt even occur to me. Im way too much of a coward to admit I need help. But at least I know something is not right (right?).

I have no clue what I want at this very moment but I know I want to pass this year quickly. Wake me up when 2017 ends kinda thing.

Forget about "i need to love and feel loved". Im just holding on to whatever makes me happy.

Btw, that couch looks so comfy. Would you....?

Friday, October 28, 2016

Its gonna be an awesome day. NOT!

I will not start today with "its gonna be an awesome day." because i will simply fail miserably.

Mungkin karena gw pergi ke tempat yang salah, waktu yang salah, bersama orang yg salah, akhirnya jadi berantakan.

Maybe i should start my day with "lets get this shit over with" . No expextation. Just get it done and gtfo as soon as possible.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016


I took a power nap and I had a dream about you.  You were with me in bed (on my new fitted sheet to be specific).  I didnt know why you were there but it felt right. We didnt talk much but my brain thought about so many things I should say to you.

Then Mong came to snuggle me from the back. It was like Mong marked her territory.

I looked at you looking at me.  It was super awkward.

My phone rang. Mong called me and I woke up.  This dream felt so right I feel so wrong. I kinda miss the girl I used to be. The fun, happy go lucky and very vivacious version of me.

I needed to contact you right away then I saw your profile picture, with your only one. I aborted the mission right away. You know, this is not the 1st time I did this. I have one reason to contact you and thousands of reasons not to.

Huft, le old lady from monster University.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016


Lirik barasuara tiba tiba terngiang di kepala gw. Lagu yang adek gw bilang "itu lho, lagu Bapa Kami."

Seperti kami pun mengampuni yang bersalah kepada kami. 

Mungkin siang ini gw perlu total recall on what Ive been through.  Mungkin ada baiknya gw gak nulis di sini.  It was too dark.